Thursday, 21 April 2011

Kinder Joys & Unconventional Love

Hello cheekies. Beautiful weather here in Devon! And it's been ever so pleasant with mucho family coming to visit & ALL of us siblings in one place! This is an unusual feat, but no doubt a pleasant one. Also all of the sibling kinder gathered together. Oh they are the sweetest things. Five out in the world & one presently in a womb. Some have left now, but at least we have cameras to record these jolly moments. Here below and above are moments of brother kinder meeting sister kinder for the first time:


I'm starting to feel rather broody. Just joking, there's more than enough kinder to go around. Anyway, I am expecting my child in July anyway. What shall we call her you ask? Libby July shall be her name and what a beauty she will be with Andrea for a father & I for a mother. Also marrying Elle, the love of my life in July. It's going to be a pretty hectic month! Expect a lot of happy photos, it shall be rather magnificent.

Back to the subject of kinder, I was flicking through my sister's camera to discover these beautiful photos of her dwarves:

Crazy tree climbing antics from their little caravan break in Cornwall! Gosh, they crack me up. 

The days have been so sunny, that I have wanted to do nothing but sit outside and doodle with my beautiful red pen, thus I have created a series of images for you that explore unconventional love & desire. 

Is love ever conventional? 


Monday, 18 April 2011

Life is (going to be) a Cabaret

I will soon be undertaking my dream role in musical theatre.
Whatever shall I do with my life living my dreams so early?

As I mentioned in my last post, I have made a list & a bet with Delilah that I can complete every task it, all in the name of art on the journey to becoming the Emcee. I wonder if our director would encourage such behaviour? I thought I ought to post it on here and take you with me each step of the way. The prize is a dream date. I quite terribly want to win. Here is the list:

Emcee To-Do List

1. Have a threesome
2. Bulk up (not fat, muscle)
3. Rent a hooker
4. Smoke Opium
5. Drink a prairie oyster with a hangover
6. Don't sleep for days and party (wildly)
7. Have sex (in role)
8. Nom on lady parts
9. Gig more and get more cheeky
10. Become cruel & decadent & forget about love
11. Wear more eyeliner

Think it sounds realistic? I'm going to try my best. And spam you with photo evidence (when appropriate).

Wish me luck!

Beautiful Day

On the road to recovery. Packed away memories in a box and now I feel good.

The sun has been shining so brightly I thought it was quite imperative to organize a picnic for this afternoon! There were four of us, which was perfect, because I have four little twee glass mugs perfect for picnics. We were a man down, as one of the party an appointment with the dentist again. After a while it begins to become a little unbelievable with such beautiful gnashers, but all's swell. Also another man down, but probably for the best, or else I would have had to put him in my special little box too & he probably wouldn't have fit. It has been pleasant today to chill & forget.
It's been a tough couple of weeks, but things are starting to look up. Now I've finished my diary & packed it away I feel like I'm ready to move onto a new chapter in my life.
Get ready for my next diary which I shall probably be posting on here! It's set to be quite pleasant. A journey of my ascent into the Emcee's role for Cabaret. I have a very special to-do list to help me get into role. If I tick off each one with photographic evidence, I am being taken on my dream date by my dear friend Delilah. And if I don't I am taking her. I'd better complete it, I can't afford two tickets to Paris.

Delilah and I began the morning by baking the most delicious lemon drizzle cakes ever known to man. Ever. I am not exaggerating. Aesthetic perfection. And I have evidence.

See how they bloom! Despite being very English flowers, they seem quite reminiscent of Hawaii.
Had to go on a little floristry mission in my garden (& my absent neighbours, because we are cheeky). When I showed Mamma Vanity the picture her reaction was not:

"What beautiful cakes!"

Like one would expect any decent person to say, but in fact she asked:

"Are those my bloody primroses??"

Some people, huh? Yes they are your primroses and they were delicious and there are so many more in our garden.

They went down a treat and we ate them all along with our cucumber sandwiches and home-made lemonade. Here is the beauty in the process of devouring:

Think will have to use edible flowers on a cake again, it felt so special and summery.

During looking for a drizzle recipe however, we stumbled across some much darker baking ideas...

First of all, a quite morbid way to serve a baby. It's a shame, it's quite cute.

Secondly and I find much more disturbing, is a lemon drizzle cake by 'Simon Rimmer'.
I can't handle the description: "Simon Rimmer scores a lemony hat-trick"
Sounds like vile pornography.
I would never, ever trust Mr. Rimmer's lemony hat-trick.

Actually, give me a couple of beers and a dental dam and I might consider it.

Anyway, sexual fantasies aside, back to the picnic. Yes.
We were joined by the beautiful Lady Catherine
And the fabulous Lab Rat

After our picnic spot in the burned down church was occupied by shadows, we decided to go to Buckfastleigh's famous 'Cliff Richard'. It was a beautiful picnic spot and ever so toasty. I was so decadent I ended taking my shirt off , leaving me in my cheeky military shorts. This level of public nakedness is a newfound area of life for Vulnavia. I'm doing well.

We had fun fun fun. Which leads to the climax of this post.
I'm sure you all know of the viral queen Rebecca Black and her notorious song, Friday?
Lady Catherine & I have been jamming it out for a while now & this time, the sneaky Rat caught it on camera. Ukulele love. I hope you enjoy it.
I do apologise it is not in fact Friday whilst I am posting this, but I do know that tomorrow is Tuesday and Wednesday comes afterwards. Ici.

Last but not least is a beautiful picture of Delilah that rather entices me & I quite wanted to share it. She is a rare beauty that one & will one day make the perfect housewife, becoming pleasantly plump baking at home and eating cake and then baking more for the husband and then eating it before he arrives home. Unfortunately this will probably never happen as soon she will become a full lesbian, as her new motorbike is called Isis. I will miss her old Le Bod, but I'm sure Isis is beautiful too. Perhaps the lesbian rule can be let slide a little so she can be my wife please?

Saturday, 16 April 2011


Why Should I Wake Up?

Drifting in this euphoric state
1. Fuck that.
A euphoric, short burst of the happiness I’ve waited for
Through a heated purgatory of stolen kisses
& lustful bruising.

He’s left his mark & I am still imprinted


2. “We need to talk”
Four words that always leave you with a hole in your heart.
Morning didn’t wait.
It came early

Saturday, 30 January 2010

Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Comedy Soundtrack

01. A Whole New World Is Waiting For You
02. Growing Up
03. Following The Rabbit
04. Alice Makes New Friends
05. The Muggies Song
06. Alice Gets a Lickin
07. Alice's New Dress
08. The Muggies Song (Reprise)
09. Alice Talks To Nature
10. Alice Is Invited To A Tea Party
11. Alice Learns You Can't Keep A Good Man Up
12. He Can't Get His Ding-a-Ling Up
13. Nympho Nurses
14. Nympho Nurses (2)
15. Alice Helps Humpty Dumpty Up
16. We Got His Ding-A-Ling Up
17. Tweedledum Is Stuck On Tweedledee
18. Tweedledee & Tweedledum's Song (Long Version)
19. What You Do On A Hot Knight In Wonderland
20. What's A Nice Girl Like You Doin' On A Knight Like This?
21. Meanwhile At The Royal Court
22. Cards Cards Cards
23. The Queen Is Coming
24. Each & Every Moment Of The Day
25. Each & Every Moment (Reprise) - Fun In Wonderland
26. Preparing Alice
27. Alice's Head
28. Alice Escapes
29. Run Alice Run
30. Alice Loses Her Innocence
31. A Whole New World Is Waiting For You (Reprise)
32. Curtain Call
33. Tweedledee & Tweedledum's Song (Short Version)
34. Fun In Wonderland (Alternate)
35. Alice's Head (Alternate)
36. Alice Loses Her Innocence (Alternate

Link to download:

The movie is also available to watch for free here:

Friday, 15 January 2010

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Tubbed by Snumble

After two very naughty things (much more serious than minor peccadilloes) I have come to the conclusion Mr. Tumble should no longer be allowed on children's television.

In a state of shock after discovering his presence at Camp Bestival this year, performing every day, I sent an email of complaint to CBBC, which I shall insert presently:

I have just discovered browsing the Camp Bestival website that Mr. Tumble will be making a reappearance there this year, every day of it in fact. Last year he put on a mediocre show that I have to say,the children enjoyed thoroughly, so I have no complaints about this. After the show however, my sister and her daughter were in the artist's "chill out" area (as our band was playing and we had the required wristbands)and they saw Mr. Tumble (although now in a leather jacket). Naturally, the child was very excited by this, and showed her enthusiasm. It was very plain that she was overjoyed to see him so close, but it was even plainer to see that Tumble SNUBBED her! I was very shocked by this fact and swiftly changed my impression of the uninspiring clown. As well as this, the child was very upset to find out the human truth, that his cold heart was faking the smile and he has no real love for children. I think it is wise that you tell Mr. "Snubbing" Tumble to learn a lesson and be more friendly to his fans before he makes his way down to Lulworth Castle. Regards, Navia

They haven't replied yet. Watch this space.

And the second peccadillo?

So Tumble has been telling all the deaf children that he is "fucking them".
What a pleasant man. But why is he still on television?